‘Sometimes, the best story is in the space between the words.’

10/06/2010

‘Sometimes, the best story is in the space between the words.’

There are so many stories to tell…. so much I would love to share with you all, but lately I have been struggling to find the right words! The words that would do justice to the people to whom I work with, to the patients I care for, and the stories we share.

My brain has become an endless catalogue of events, but in them I have also seen myself! I have lived and live in them, between them and though them. Some I am hopeless in my ability to help, and therefore feel a mere spectator, and some I am able to do more, so feel apart of it. But with all… I feel connected and responsible.

During the silence that has pre-occupied me over the past few weeks, I have spent time reflecting, trying to piece together the wrongs and the rights, the do’s and the don’ts, the why and the why not’s. But this has only left me in confusion, so I have found myself fixating on small, insignificant things. But things that are real, tangible and understandable, the things that I can fully make sense of! This is in someway soothing and helps build the bridge between illusion and reality!

As I struggle to distinguish between the two, I realize that the reason is of course that my illusion is also my reality! Its just easier to digest and less damaging to the soul to focus on the small things, the things that don’t matter. It helps me to grasp a sense of normality, or at least the normality that I know!

So I find myself filing away these events, to a dark and dusty part of my brain! A part that I have come to realize should only be accessed fully when I am back home, surrounded by my dearest friends and family. Its not that I have forgotten, or that I want to forget, but more that I need a coping mechanism, one that I can rely on to keep me strong, focused and productive.

We had the election here not long ago…. although on the face of it, it appeared to pass by peacefully it did not pass silently. Consequently, I have learnt a lot about the political situation here, some of which I would rather remain naïve about, but some that I feel privileged to have an understanding of, an understanding that I did not learn though reading a book!

It has taught me to question the relationship between humanitarianism and politics.
What I have seen is how Politics, cannot be avoided and how it dictates and shape’s humanitarianism.

‘Humanitarianism is about the struggle to create the space to be fully human’ (James Orbinski) and sadly that struggle is closely linked to politics whether we like it or not! The blurring boundaries is something I find myself frustrated by, but unavoidable as it is, and the very fact that I am a aid worker, I can’t help but find myself in some way part of, …. I ask the question….. ‘Can there be healing without social justice?’

I have learnt so much from my time here, not only in medical ways, but also in ways I had not expected to explore. I wanted to do something practical to relieve the suffering of others, and although I feel I have, I think there has been much more to my journey. It has not only given me an understanding of the circumstances of such suffering, but also an understanding of my relationship to it.

I am given unhindered access to some of the most intimate experiences in people’s lives. Experiences I will treasure and hold close to my heart for the rest of my life. Experiences I will act on, whilst being the voice for those that otherwise wouldn’t be heard. Experiences I will do my best to do justice by.

I have witnessed the good, of which we as human beings are capable,
……..the good that calls the mother to feed her child, regardless of how unbearable her own suffering is. The good of a husband who carries his wife some 25km by foot to the hospital. And the good of a community who work together to bring a better tomorrow.

However, some days I feel so frustrated by the very small difference I am making here. So deflated by the hopelessness that I often question the use of my being here.

But I recently received some wise words from a dear friend…..
‘The effects seem invisible not because no one can feel it, but because they are immeasurable’.

So In creating a world of practical possibility, there is hope, and that hope is what gives a country a soul! And that hope is what we live for, what we work towards, and what we fight for! So if hope is all I give, all we give……. Then I guess there is a point to all of this!